Carried by Music and Fireflies

I want to start by explaining my relationship with Sarah McLachlan’s music. I don’t know if I can put the feeling into words; the tug at my heart, the excitement, the sadness, the visceral experience that her music gives me. From the lamenting guitar, to the hypnotizing piano, to her incredible voice, I am immediately calmed, stilled, quieted. There is such a range of emotion in each album, but also within each song. She writes with a purpose, but we, as the audience, get the opportunity to put our own meaning behind each masterpiece. And believe me, each and every song on her many albums has a special meaning to me. Sarah McLachlan’s music has become the unwavering soundtrack of my life. 

I will never forget the moment I first heard her: It was 1997, I was 15, a freshman in high school. I was standing in the kitchen, while my sister watched Mtv; back when Mtv actually had music on. The VJays were excited to debut her newest video for “Building a Mystery”. I didn’t pay too much attention, I just wanted my snack. However, as the video started, and I heard her voice; this voice no language could possibly come close to describing, I froze. I stared, open-jawed, and watched this beautiful woman paint a picture that I just couldn’t quite understand. I heard every note of her guitar, I heard every word she sang, and yet, I couldn’t make any sense of what was overtaking me. I was hypnotized. I was dumbfounded. I was completely reduced to nothing but an empty shell; my soul fleeing me to dance with her. From that moment on, it was all over for me. Sarah McLachlan had forever changed me, and she would always own a piece of my heart. 

I immediately rushed out to Circuit City. Does that show my age? I bought every CD she had put out up to that point: Touch, Solace, Fumbling Toward Ecstasy, The Freedom Sessions, Rarities, B-Sides, & Other Stuff, and of course, Surfacing. I spent quite a bit of money that day, but it was a treasure I would keep with me always. I listened to nothing but Sarah for the next few months. I learned every song she ever wrote, every song she covered, every note out of her mouth. I could mimic every instrument; I knew the next beat on the drums, I knew the next note from the piano. I could have been a one woman band, covering nothing but Sarah songs. 

I spent a lot of time alone in my room growing up. I wrote a lot. I was a short story writer. I loved telling stories with hints of R.L Stine, Anne Rice, and other occult writers. I wrote dark poetry. Within a couple of years, I had enough writings to make my own book, which my mom kindly bound for me for safekeeping. Sarah was my backdrop; her transcendent voice serenading me; inspiring me to keep writing, keep creating. I was generally a happy person, never wanting to spread darkness to others. I wanted to take my unfavorable feelings out on paper; something that couldn’t be negatively affected by my pain. Sarah’s music, generally sadder, melancholy, a story of heartbreak and misgivings, showed me that even your pain can be beautiful. Sarah’s words spoke to me in a way no one ever could. It was as if she understood that pain is part of you, it creates you, it breaks you, but it builds you back up, it teaches you, it changes you. Through her songs, I found an inner acceptance for my turmoil while the outside world was condemning me for it.

In the song “Elsewhere” she says “I believe this is heaven to no one else but me. And I’ll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to. Would you try to understand?” I took that song and ran with it. To this day, I get tears in my eyes when I hear it. To me, it was exactly what I had been feeling. People never understood why I spent so much time alone in my room, listening to music, writing dark stories. To me, it was heaven. I was left alone with my own thoughts, my own friends I was creating. I was getting to create an entire world, control it, mold it, decide its outcome. I had so very little control over the things that had happened in my life, and this was heaven to me. I defended it, and I just wanted them to try to understand it. And this was just one of her many songs. Each song became a symbol for something in my own life. 

Sarah’s music has been the one constant in my life. Even when she took a hiatus from writing, when her albums became further spaced out; I never lost faith. She could leave music tomorrow, and she would still be the one constant in my life. From her first album to her most recent, each one has a place in my heart and my iPod. It has been 17 years since I stumbled upon her music, and my love for her has not swayed. Yet, in those 17 years, I have never seen her live. I was living in a town that doesn’t get very many big names. If I wanted to see her in concert, I would have had to travel 2 hours north, and that just wasn’t something I was ever able to manage. Eventually, I made my way out of that town and moved to Denver. Earlier this year, I bought tickets to see her perform at Red Rocks. I was so thrilled: first time seeing her in concert, at this incredible venue, and we had 8^th row seats. Unfortunately, my wife was transferred to Georgia for work just one month before the concert. We had to sell our tickets. Imagine my disappointment. 

Once settled in Georgia, we checked her tour dates and saw she was coming to Atlanta. This was fantastic news. We got on our computers 5 minutes before pre-sale tickets went on sale, and we counted down. The very second pre-sale was open, we logged in and picked our tickets. Unfortunately, that was quite a hassle, and we ended up getting seats a lot further away than we had hoped for. I didn’t care at this point, I was just so excited to see her live in concert, finally. The days ticked by, the weeks crawled. Why wasn’t it July 30^th yet? At one point, we checked out “meet and greet” tickets, but we just didn’t have enough cash to do it. I was still content with our middle of the road seats, as long as I could get a glimpse of her. 

Just last week, I happened to be fumbling around on Twitter. It’s the one social media site that really boggles my mind. I don’t know why, but I am very confused on how to work it properly. I follow Sarah, and I happened to see a tweet from her about a contest to sit on stage with her. I immediately went to the site and entered. She wanted to hear our Shine On stories, she wanted to know how we spread the love, the kindness, the compassion. So I wrote. I wrote her of a tragedy that I experienced as a child and how I had overcome it, even found peace with it. For the next 4 days, I kept it to myself. I didn’t tell anyone I entered the contest. But I sat inside myself, heart racing, excitement welling up inside of me, the atmosphere could have burst from all the anticipation. As my wife and I sat down to dinner on Monday evening, I waited. I could barely breathe, but I knew the moment would soon arise. Then my phone beeped. It was my email, and I apologized for having to check it, but it was very important. And that is when I saw it; the message I had been longing for even before I even knew about the contest, “Congratulations. You have been invited to join Sarah McLachlan on stage in Atlanta on July 30^th.” I laughed, I shed a tear, I danced a little, all right there in the restaurant. I have no shame, really, I don’t. I told my wife, barely able to get the words out, that we were going to be sitting on the stage with Sarah, and we actually get to talk to her! The next 2 days were a nightmare just waiting. 

It is 2 in the morning. I am exhausted. I couldn’t possibly sleep now. We got home about 2 hours ago. Let’s back up again. We got to the venue early and found parking pretty quickly. I had my wife get in line to get into the venue while I went to Will Call where I picked up our special invitations. While at the window, a woman overheard me explaining what I was picking up, and she asked if I needed a friend to go up with me. “I’ll totally ditch this bitch if you want to take me with you.” I laughed but said my wife would probably be upset if I didn’t take her. Once the gates opened, we went inside, grabbed some food and drinks, and found our seats. Showtime was not too long after, and when Sarah came on stage, it was as if the entire world disappeared. She started in without much foreword, and I reverted back to that 15 year old, hypnotized, staring, open-jawed. She sang many of her older songs, and every memory, every milestone, every mundane triviality, every single moment of my life returned to me; flooded me, overtook me. I was 15 again, I was sitting alone in my room. I was 16, writing my latest vampire story. I was 17, getting ready for the funeral for one of my teachers. I was 18, struggling with the reality that I am gay. I was 19, a year of being on my own and feeling so lonely. Every year, 17 years, crashed in on me, a wave of forgiveness: forgiveness for the transgressions, forgiveness for staying too long, for not knowing and knowing too much. I was overtaken, and I cried. Here I was, sitting in the middle of thousands of people, sitting alone, sitting with just Sarah, and I was crying. And so the rest of the show goes. 

Halfway through, she invited us up to the stage, and we went. Jealousy spat at us as we raced to the side door. My heart attempted to flee, but only my mind was successful. We sat on the couch on stage with two other couples: it was a meeting of lesbians, the irony. She came over and greeted us, she sat on the ottoman in front of us. She smiled, she hugged us, she was speaking into the microphone, and I disappeared. I had waited for this moment only in dreams, and now I am faced with reality, and I could not speak. I said about 2 sentences to her, and then I sat there. After a few awkward moments of everyone just staring at her, she got up and sang her songs. She sang 3 songs that I had to record with my phone, because I knew I wouldn’t remember which ones they were once it was over. We were up there for about 10 minutes, maybe 15, but it seemed like 30 seconds, and back to our seats we went. I would not trade that moment for the entire universe. 

It’s easy to look back on that moment and think what I would have done differently. But when face to face with someone like Sarah, someone who has meant so much to me for so long, I’m sure I would be just as dumb each and every time. The rest of the show, it was as if I was having revelation after revelation. I could have died, and I would have been blissfully unaware of it. I had floated above the crowd, carried by her music and fireflies. 

This was the most incredible experience of my life. I will never be able to convey what Sarah's music has meant to me from the moment I saw Building a Mystery debut. Every story, every poem, every letter I ever wrote was written while she sang in the background. Every moment of growing up, becoming who I am has her music as my soundtrack. I have loved her music for so long. It just touches me on such a deep level. So this moment, tonight, will forever be emblazoned on my heart.